Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: The Big, Unforgettable “T”

The Trauma now runs through my blood. Every day of my life. I remember the pain. I remember things I shouldn’t. I fall numb, scared, and rare times where I can break into tears when I remember. Worse of all, I still love them. I still think they didn’t mean their abusive ways. I still think that they had good intentions.

Meanwhile what they did, said otherwise. Their words said otherwise. It was not kind nor it meant to be. It was meant to belittle me for their superior complex, it was meant to damage. Meant to burn. It was meant to destroy. It was a blunt action to tell me that, I am nothing to them. I am not on the same level, I’m not dear to them, I’m not anything but a great toy. And sadly, I remember as they were… who I thought they were.. and I love that memory. I hate that. I feel stupid. I feel like I still need to recover. I’m still in grief.

I forgave them. I thought that the fact that I forgive them, it means I’ve moved on. Although I am disappointed for what they did, I won’t forget it; and I will be cautious of the future and I don’t ever want to be in that environment ever again. I don’t ever want to be like them. However due to how I grew up and what I believe in the end.. these people have great relations to me so I will still give my respects but I won’t stand in that spot ever again.

But I’m wrong about what and who I’m forgiving by all these horrible flashbacks.

I’m forgiving the illusions. I’m forgiving who I thought they were. I’m forgiving the fake. I’m forgiving the fake persona they put upon themselves all these years. But now I know. I know too much. Though I wish I didn’t….. And I don’t think I’m over it if I keep remembering and this different… Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: The Big, Unforgettable “T””

Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Goodbye Chronic Migraine?? + Daily Anxiety with Panic included

Here’s a 2 topic in one blog

Lately, I think my migraines has gone down. It’s episodic than chronic or daily.

It’s perhaps just once in a week that I get one. And as for headaches.. instead of everyday it’s… 5 or 6 out of 7 days that I get it….. Which…is still bad..or sounds bad still..but not as bad as before because its like a pain level of 1-3 when it used to be purely 5s.

YES INDEEDY~ My pain scale is weird. I made two separate ones lol one for headache and one for migraine. because my migraines has a life of it’s own.

Perhaps that pure decaf only and less juice/more water thing I got going on… or the fact that I’ve only had caffeine(tea or lattes) only 4 times this whole 4 months!! *pat my own back like a loser* I did it. And got to thank my partner. Decaf isn’t bad. It tastes exactly the same as normal coffee.. DOIII~

But yes… this.. hardly noticeable or “disappearing” *knock on wood* pain…

I hardly feel the throbbing anymore

I wish I could or would be ecstatic at that but instead it makes me worry that I won’t see my Migraine specialist or Psychiatrist anymore.  Or just come back to that department.

Is it weird that I feel guilty for not having a migraine? Is it weird that I feel dead without pain throbbing inside my brain and skull? Or is it weirder the fact that being pain-free and clear of the slightest headache is really a strange sensation to me?

Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Goodbye Chronic Migraine?? + Daily Anxiety with Panic included”

Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Trauma (from you)

It’s now about you!!

It is one of the hardest things to talk about. The hardest to even think about. The hardest to forget. I am shaking as I write this.

My only wish is to forget all of it.

Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Trauma (from you)”