Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Effexor is working… but hello again pain

4 & a half weeks later upon intake of Effexor

As much as I love having my emotions back, I’m not sure how I feel about the dull headaches. It’s so strange or perhaps it’s been long since my last but it feels uncomfortable and distracting. Luckily the pain level is about 4 most of the time but not sure, how to feel about it. It’s like a tension headache and cluster headache together. I’m just happy there’s no nausea/vomiting, not much sensory overload; just slight sensitivity to light and sound but it’s manageable. This whole pain feels close to a migraine but I’m not sure as it comes and goes to the point where I have at least an hour or half hour of feeling completely fun to finish my tasks but it’s a full day of this dull ache or fatigue. Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Effexor is working… but hello again pain”

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Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Switching from Sertraline with Effexor!?

(Update of the last blog posted on April 12, 2017)

Topics: New meds & Update on my wellbeing..

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Since my last post, I’ve been… better Emotionally. Psychologically…i dunno. Physically.. ok… I will get on it more below. (If you want to skip this lil intro and get onto my experience with Effexor and Zoloft.. Scroll down to after the brief sum/description of SSRIs & SSNRIs.)

My psychiatrist thinks is that I ended up getting a serotonin imbalance from too much Sertraline/Zoloft. So with that imbalance, I’ve been feeling numb(??) and dissociating a lot. I mean I did feel guilt for not experiencing migraines or headaches and felt empty because of them but I wasn’t feeling much at all. I guess this is what people meant by getting numb by antidepressants… but that just mean it’s not the right dosage or meds for you. So stop that stigma that this meds are crazy meds….

But as a reminder for those just reading my blog, I take serotonin-based antidepressants for my chronic migraines and the stress related to it. But while getting treated, I was diagnosed with little General Anxiety Disorder, big Social Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder. Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Switching from Sertraline with Effexor!?”

Katana thoughts: “self inflicted”

I know it sounded like a cry for attention to some when I post when I’m having a flare up sometimes. I post only aiming for people who go through this or know what I mean.. and in some cases.. just because but either way I wasn’t looking for compliments, negativity, comments much. Unless..you have great remedies for them…

but yea there’s rare negativity and there’s this one thing still bothers me… a family member who often boasts about kindness, openness to humane activities and what not… decides to say me.. “looks self inflicted to me” and added “typical attention seeker from a sick girl”..

Continue reading “Katana thoughts: “self inflicted””

Katana Thoughts: That Journey

I suffer from anxieties for years but not major depressive disorder. I got it there… Due to some events… I closed up and was extremely unlike myself and depressed for a week and it was the week of my birthday when it all went down. What’s funny is that three days after my birthday, when I went to see my migraine specialist, when I told of it all… and broke down. I still tried to lie that I was ok but I wasnt because I didn’t want them to get in trouble. I justified their actions.. I broke when she said cops should handle an incident but I said no. Though most likely I could be handling not just depression from the environment and incidents but from being off my meds (which a dude took away…)

I said no.. in denial and for their reputation. That..it was all my fault. My doing. Also my fault because I didn’t stand up more or call the cops.. 

I can’t help but to remember my stay at CAMH (yes a psychiatric ward.) I felt so unsafe at home. I felt so broken. I was so tired of it. That it.. was the reason I wasn’t able to say because it would ruin reputations and hurt many feelings. But I was bullied by blood and treated horrible to the point where when I defended myself or distance.. it made things worse because I didn’t agree to their name calling..

But anyways…Despite the obvious was there…. I still looked at them as the person I thought I knew. I looked at their fun side and smiles.

It wasn’t until I realized that I was totally alone. When they made it clear where I stood to them. I broke down because they always said family stuck together so I grew up believing that so when rumors came out I even dismissed it. But when I actually listen they were often bullying and secluding other members.

But anyways those days before CAMH…I remember crying until I was numb. I still cried or teared thinking about it though. When I went to the hospital… I cried hard for the first days. I was embarrassed because their stereotypes and words about it despite they’re in the medical field…they were all very hateful. I hoped hard that they’d visit or don’t mind delivering clothes but they fussed still. I was left clothes-less. I only had what I had on when I went in. Which was only things I’d bring when I go to an appointment or another and straight home.. 

This moment confused me and bothered me a long time. Besides people I praised often..never visiting and saying that they’d never will set foot in there for fear of bad luck or turning psycho themselves….

But anyways it was when I decided to leave my room to eat lunch with others. They were normal as one can be. The others in the ward were kind and understanding.

What broke me…that moment..that I can’t stop thinking about was just when I was cool and finished crying… I broke in tears when another patient offered me her daughter’s clothes. Gave me a bit of shampoo and others while telling me that it’s ok and that they’ll help me out.

I didn’t understand why I cried then but I knew inside… I don’t know… I was still in denial as their words are in my head. But that moment.. I’ve never felt that kind of kindness before. Just that care. Sincerity. I’m not used to it. 

It still makes me think… fuck.. was I that deprived of Care/Nurture? Love? Sincerity? Did I really never had this before?

I’m honestly used to giving and I don’t mind. When I care and love people… I do what I can. We may have disagreements but I still hope to make them comfortable and happy. I grew up like that. I wished I got what I gave but..I didn’t think much about it. I was just so in love and happy with my family and friends.

It just hurts still. Because I still can’t let go. I still view them for the good…when the bad really outweighs the good.. like things that was done and did was cruel and they’re unapologetic for their actions and words.

I’m just not biased. I side on truth and intentions. Whether we cool or not. And if we ever argue.. as much as I’m mad.. I would never ever ever cross the line. I don’t ever want to go on the point. I DON’T WANT TO HARM THE OTHER JUST FOR THE SAKE OF WINNING. There is no winning or losing but just and only understanding and growing together. At least I hoped. But all my life.. if there’s a disagreement… stabs are taken..by me. I cry at each. But I can’t do anything out of being cornered.

All my life.. no matter what truth… whatever they’re set on. It’s that.

I just want no part of it. If letting them go to heal and be away fron repeated harm, means I must let go of the innocent bystanders…. so be it. It hurts. And I’m still recovering. But the pain caused is too great.

Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Working with Anxiety & Panic Disorder

What makes them Anxiety or Panic Attacks

It really takes great skill and endurance (or perseverance) when or if working with anxiety disorder and panic disorder.

Before I begin, I’ll do a quick reminder of what they are or you can click on the links above..

Although Anxiety is a natural defense and response to danger. It’s also a natural alarm that goes off when you feel threatened and unfamiliar of the situation or place you’re at… or when you are feeling a psychological remembrance to an area you’re at or based on a traumatic situation that reminds you of another that you’ve experienced and made you go on high alert. Anyone could experience this. So it brings the question of… when does it turn into a disorder? well the site I linked nonstop in this post, explains it perfectly. It says in the help guide that it becomes an disorder when

anxiety is constant or overwhelming—when it interferes with your relationships and activities—that’s when you’ve crossed the line from normal anxiety into the territory of anxiety disorders

Keep in mind that Anxiety Disorders are also…

a group of related conditions rather than a single disorder, they can look very different from person to person. One individual may suffer from intense anxiety attacks that strike without warning, while another gets panicky at the thought of mingling at a party. Someone else may struggle with a disabling fear of driving, or uncontrollable, intrusive thoughts. Yet another may live in a constant state of tension, worrying about anything and everything.

(The last part is me.. I was born anxious. So being tense is a natural trait of me at times lol)

Anxiety attacks are episodes of intense panic or fear. Anxiety attacks usually occur suddenly and sometimes without any warning. Other times there could be obvious triggers like interviews, meetings, etc. It usually happens and gets intense within 10 minutes but it rarely lasts for more than 30 minutes. But during that short time, the terror can be so severe that you feel as if you’re about to die or totally lose control. Some says it feels like getting a heart attack. But for me it only feels like my stomach is getting twisted in the knot and being pulled out of my throat.

 

Meanwhile Panic Attacks is a fear based stress and..

Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Working with Anxiety & Panic Disorder”

7 Tips for Supporting Your Partner with Anxiety/Depression +1

1. Don’t try to fix them.

You’re this person’s husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, polyamorous partner, not their therapist. (And if you are, stop dating them immediately because that’s creepy and unethical.) They cannot be well for you. It’s unfair to pressure someone to live up to your idea of how they should be, and they may end up feeling like they failed you. It makes your love conditional.Instead, just let them know that you’d like them to feel better because you love them — not because they have to be well in order to be loved.

2. Don’t try to explain to them why they shouldn’t be afraid of something.

Your skittish schmoopity-schmoo likely knows that their fear isn’t rational and/or the bad thing probably won’t come to pass. Making them feel like a jackass about it isn’t going to help. Consider asking them why this particular thing upsets them so much. Often, the act of throwing a deep, dark fear into the spotlight and spinning it out to its worst possible outcome can have the effect of neutralizing it. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t make fun of them for it. Let them be the one to point out how silly it sounds out loud, or you might run the risk of them clamming up and feeling like they have something new to fret about.

3. Be honest and set expectations.

Gonna be late? Call or send a quick text so they’re not picturing you mangled in a ditch. Got a big bill to pay or a medical test coming up? Don’t try to hide it; talk through it. Treating your partner like a fragile child — even if you just don’t want to worry them — creates a weird dynamic in a relationship. And besides, anxious people are pretty perceptive and will sense that something is amiss. Let your sweetum boo-boo-pie in on what is actually happening, or their mind will likely rev into high gear and assume that something infinitely worse is afoot.

4. Be OK with the fact that happiness looks different for different people.

For some, it’s balloons, dancing, party hats or Jaeger bombs at the club. Others, an Instagram snapshot with toes in sand or Deepak Chopra drawn in latte foam. (#bliss #bestlife #blessed) For an anxious person, it might be a day that passes without a panic attack or having to pound down Tums. It might just be having the wherewithal to get dressed and walk around the block. Calm is a terribly underrated emotion, but it’s just as valid as joy.

5. Make them feel safe.

Often one of the greatest fear of an anxious person is that they’re unlovable just because they’re anxious. As often and as naturally as you can, let them know: “We’re in this together and I’m not going anywhere.” In fact, just screenshot that sentence and text it to your sweet cuddlenumpkins (seriously — I’ll stop) right now. I promise it won’t be weird. OK, it might be for a minute, but you’ll both be glad about it later.

6. Live your life.

Ugh. So your partner is going through one of their extra-panicky or agoraphobic phases again. It’s hard to watch the person you love in such pain, and probably even worse for them to be going through it. But it’s your best friend’s birthday party or your niece’s graduation and you can’t or don’t want to miss it. Go. Even if it’s by yourself and you have to tell people your beloved isn’t feeling well. (That’s actually not a lie.) This might seem like a wrenching betrayal, but it’s a healthy thing to do. It’s a relief, both of your partner’s guilt over holding you back or dragging you down into their muck, and of any resentment — it’s OK, totally valid feeling — that might be building up on your end. Just remember to check in and let them know you’re thinking of them and that you’ll be coming home safe and sound.

7. Ask.

Wacky thought here, but your smootchiemuffins (I lied.) might have a few notions about what might ease their angst, and been afraid to express them. Be open, even if you don’t agree, or for them not to have any answers. Sometimes it’s enough just to be asked and know someone is there to listen.

(Source)

 

 

& most importantly…

8. Don’t expect their Anxiety or/& Depression to be Cured Quickly.

Yes…your existence in their lives affects them. It does not mean, your existence cures them from anxiety and depression just in a snap or short time. Your existence…well more like your support definitely, however, affects their recovery. With those tips above, with time… and I mean lots of time and patience… it will help so much. It helps them to open up, feel inspired, feel supported(like they’re not alone), and of course helps recovery–rather than grow in anxieties and experience more discomfort and disorders.