Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: The Big, Unforgettable “T”

The Trauma now runs through my blood. Every day of my life. I remember the pain. I remember things I shouldn’t. I fall numb, scared, and rare times where I can break into tears when I remember. Worse of all, I still love them. I still think they didn’t mean their abusive ways. I still think that they had good intentions.

Meanwhile what they did, said otherwise. Their words said otherwise. It was not kind nor it meant to be. It was meant to belittle me for their superior complex, it was meant to damage. Meant to burn. It was meant to destroy. It was a blunt action to tell me that, I am nothing to them. I am not on the same level, I’m not dear to them, I’m not anything but a great toy. And sadly, I remember as they were… who I thought they were.. and I love that memory. I hate that. I feel stupid. I feel like I still need to recover. I’m still in grief.

I forgave them. I thought that the fact that I forgive them, it means I’ve moved on. Although I am disappointed for what they did, I won’t forget it; and I will be cautious of the future and I don’t ever want to be in that environment ever again. I don’t ever want to be like them. However due to how I grew up and what I believe in the end.. these people have great relations to me so I will still give my respects but I won’t stand in that spot ever again.

But I’m wrong about what and who I’m forgiving by all these horrible flashbacks.

I’m forgiving the illusions. I’m forgiving who I thought they were. I’m forgiving the fake. I’m forgiving the fake persona they put upon themselves all these years. But now I know. I know too much. Though I wish I didn’t….. And I don’t think I’m over it if I keep remembering and this different… Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: The Big, Unforgettable “T””

Katana thoughts: “self inflicted”

I know it sounded like a cry for attention to some when I post when I’m having a flare up sometimes. I post only aiming for people who go through this or know what I mean.. and in some cases.. just because but either way I wasn’t looking for compliments, negativity, comments much. Unless..you have great remedies for them…

but yea there’s rare negativity and there’s this one thing still bothers me… a family member who often boasts about kindness, openness to humane activities and what not… decides to say me.. “looks self inflicted to me” and added “typical attention seeker from a sick girl”..

Continue reading “Katana thoughts: “self inflicted””