The Trauma now runs through my blood. Every day of my life. I remember the pain. I remember things I shouldn’t. I fall numb, scared, and rare times where I can break into tears when I remember. Worse of all, I still love them. I still think they didn’t mean their abusive ways. I still think that they had good intentions.
Meanwhile what they did, said otherwise. Their words said otherwise. It was not kind nor it meant to be. It was meant to belittle me for their superior complex, it was meant to damage. Meant to burn. It was meant to destroy. It was a blunt action to tell me that, I am nothing to them. I am not on the same level, I’m not dear to them, I’m not anything but a great toy. And sadly, I remember as they were… who I thought they were.. and I love that memory. I hate that. I feel stupid. I feel like I still need to recover. I’m still in grief.
I forgave them. I thought that the fact that I forgive them, it means I’ve moved on. Although I am disappointed for what they did, I won’t forget it; and I will be cautious of the future and I don’t ever want to be in that environment ever again. I don’t ever want to be like them. However due to how I grew up and what I believe in the end.. these people have great relations to me so I will still give my respects but I won’t stand in that spot ever again.
But I’m wrong about what and who I’m forgiving by all these horrible flashbacks.
I’m forgiving the illusions. I’m forgiving who I thought they were. I’m forgiving the fake. I’m forgiving the fake persona they put upon themselves all these years. But now I know. I know too much. Though I wish I didn’t….. And I don’t think I’m over it if I keep remembering and this different… Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: The Big, Unforgettable “T””
4 & a half weeks later upon intake of Effexor
As much as I love having my emotions back, I’m not sure how I feel about the dull headaches. It’s so strange or perhaps it’s been long since my last but it feels uncomfortable and distracting. Luckily the pain level is about 4 most of the time but not sure, how to feel about it. It’s like a tension headache and cluster headache together. I’m just happy there’s no nausea/vomiting, not much sensory overload; just slight sensitivity to light and sound but it’s manageable. This whole pain feels close to a migraine but I’m not sure as it comes and goes to the point where I have at least an hour or half hour of feeling completely fun to finish my tasks but it’s a full day of this dull ache or fatigue. Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Effexor is working… but hello again pain”
(Update of the last blog posted on April 12, 2017)
Topics: New meds & Update on my wellbeing..
Since my last post, I’ve been… better Emotionally. Psychologically…i dunno. Physically.. ok… I will get on it more below. (If you want to skip this lil intro and get onto my experience with Effexor and Zoloft.. Scroll down to after the brief sum/description of SSRIs & SSNRIs.)
My psychiatrist thinks is that I ended up getting a serotonin imbalance from too much Sertraline/Zoloft. So with that imbalance, I’ve been feeling numb(??) and dissociating a lot. I mean I did feel guilt for not experiencing migraines or headaches and felt empty because of them but I wasn’t feeling much at all. I guess this is what people meant by getting numb by antidepressants… but that just mean it’s not the right dosage or meds for you. So stop that stigma that this meds are crazy meds….
But as a reminder for those just reading my blog, I take serotonin-based antidepressants for my chronic migraines and the stress related to it. But while getting treated, I was diagnosed with little General Anxiety Disorder, big Social Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder. Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Switching from Sertraline with Effexor!?”
I know it sounded like a cry for attention to some when I post when I’m having a flare up sometimes. I post only aiming for people who go through this or know what I mean.. and in some cases.. just because but either way I wasn’t looking for compliments, negativity, comments much. Unless..you have great remedies for them…
but yea there’s rare negativity and there’s this one thing still bothers me… a family member who often boasts about kindness, openness to humane activities and what not… decides to say me.. “looks self inflicted to me” and added “typical attention seeker from a sick girl”..
Continue reading “Katana thoughts: “self inflicted””
What makes them Anxiety or Panic Attacks
It really takes great skill and endurance (or perseverance) when or if working with anxiety disorder and panic disorder.
Before I begin, I’ll do a quick reminder of what they are or you can click on the links above..
Although Anxiety is a natural defense and response to danger. It’s also a natural alarm that goes off when you feel threatened and unfamiliar of the situation or place you’re at… or when you are feeling a psychological remembrance to an area you’re at or based on a traumatic situation that reminds you of another that you’ve experienced and made you go on high alert. Anyone could experience this. So it brings the question of… when does it turn into a disorder? well the site I linked nonstop in this post, explains it perfectly. It says in the help guide that it becomes an disorder when
anxiety is constant or overwhelming—when it interferes with your relationships and activities—that’s when you’ve crossed the line from normal anxiety into the territory of anxiety disorders
Keep in mind that Anxiety Disorders are also…
a group of related conditions rather than a single disorder, they can look very different from person to person. One individual may suffer from intense anxiety attacks that strike without warning, while another gets panicky at the thought of mingling at a party. Someone else may struggle with a disabling fear of driving, or uncontrollable, intrusive thoughts. Yet another may live in a constant state of tension, worrying about anything and everything.
(The last part is me.. I was born anxious. So being tense is a natural trait of me at times lol)
Anxiety attacks are episodes of intense panic or fear. Anxiety attacks usually occur suddenly and sometimes without any warning. Other times there could be obvious triggers like interviews, meetings, etc. It usually happens and gets intense within 10 minutes but it rarely lasts for more than 30 minutes. But during that short time, the terror can be so severe that you feel as if you’re about to die or totally lose control. Some says it feels like getting a heart attack. But for me it only feels like my stomach is getting twisted in the knot and being pulled out of my throat.
Meanwhile Panic Attacks is a fear based stress and..
Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Working with Anxiety & Panic Disorder”
Before all of this…
the symptoms, the diagnosis, the attacks…
I was quire normal… just shy and maybe a touch of paranoia. I loved exploring. Though I lacked the funds to do so but it used to never stopped me. I’d call up a friend and we just go take a walk and talk. Days I do have the money to.. I went to cafes alone or bookstores because they are heaven to me. I just read or wrote in my journal whilst drinking a nice sweet drink as an incentive. But I admit most times, it was the reason why I went out and I’d award myself with another before I leave.
Most days now…
I sstill go out…ish… at least for sure with company.
However..in going alone..it’s a problem. I mean I still go out and my reasoning or reward was to get that Starbucks or a whatever I’m deathly craving that’s near by.
But as much as I hate it, I hate going out alone now. But even with someone/support… I’m happy to be with them, but depending where we go..I loathe it. My reason?.. People. Crowds. I get panic or anxiety attacks now when I am in large crowds. Especially passing people, I get into a fight or flight mode which I sadly can’t control. And so, I think because of that, it is my reason why my agoraphobia got worse.
I FEAR getting an attack outside. My attacks are physical. I would have symptoms of queasiness and nearly passing out. Alhough, my body may be reacting like this, my brain would be like saying “Don’t look at me~ I didn’t say anything this time.. I just wanted to __ with you”. So yeah.. it’s really messed up and weird. I’d feel fine, excited to explore and go wherever I was supposed to; but then all of a sudden, hello sickness. And I’d have to rush home or I vomit and lose feelings in my legs and sight.
It’s hard because, I’d love to go see my psychiatrist or my specialist for my migraines but it’s hard because a lot of times, I’d cancel last minute because my uneasy feeling(anxieties) and fear of it starting again comes again. The anxieties would start from three or two days before I start freaking out..officially. And worse thing is, when I go… I would be a clusterfuck..(pardon my language) because I’d be forgetting my route though I been going to this hospital for months now and when I’m there I’d be only thinking about being away from crowds/people and so whatever relevant questions that is asked to me or that I wanted to ask… and that’s important in why I’m there is just..forgotten. I can’t answer it nor can I ask to tell any concerns or how I’ve been feeling.
Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: The Growing Agoraphobia”