Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: The Big, Unforgettable “T”

The Trauma now runs through my blood. Every day of my life. I remember the pain. I remember things I shouldn’t. I fall numb, scared, and rare times where I can break into tears when I remember. Worse of all, I still love them. I still think they didn’t mean their abusive ways. I still think that they had good intentions.

Meanwhile what they did, said otherwise. Their words said otherwise. It was not kind nor it meant to be. It was meant to belittle me for their superior complex, it was meant to damage. Meant to burn. It was meant to destroy. It was a blunt action to tell me that, I am nothing to them. I am not on the same level, I’m not dear to them, I’m not anything but a great toy. And sadly, I remember as they were… who I thought they were.. and I love that memory. I hate that. I feel stupid. I feel like I still need to recover. I’m still in grief.

I forgave them. I thought that the fact that I forgive them, it means I’ve moved on. Although I am disappointed for what they did, I won’t forget it; and I will be cautious of the future and I don’t ever want to be in that environment ever again. I don’t ever want to be like them. However due to how I grew up and what I believe in the end.. these people have great relations to me so I will still give my respects but I won’t stand in that spot ever again.

But I’m wrong about what and who I’m forgiving by all these horrible flashbacks.

I’m forgiving the illusions. I’m forgiving who I thought they were. I’m forgiving the fake. I’m forgiving the fake persona they put upon themselves all these years. But now I know. I know too much. Though I wish I didn’t….. And I don’t think I’m over it if I keep remembering and this different… Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: The Big, Unforgettable “T””

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Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Trauma (from you)

It’s now about you!!

It is one of the hardest things to talk about. The hardest to even think about. The hardest to forget. I am shaking as I write this.

My only wish is to forget all of it.

Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Trauma (from you)”

Katana Thoughts: What is family to me?

Family tends to people who aren’t blood/related to me. They tend to be friends I’ve met whom I may lose contact or parted with but they always have a place in my heart. I have the utmost respect for them and the one people related to me… for what they have done for me.

But family to me.. are those that supported, stuck to my side, with no intent of stepping over the line of disrespect and tell me what’s up, and they are those who had loved me unconditionally without making me feel like a problem. They are my loyal best friends, my advisers, my tough critics, and my energy through the worst. I’m happy for them. I’m truly thankful.

Even if I had lost contact with them… I wish them all the best. Their happiness is still mine. And I love them all still.