Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Forcing Wellness Wasn’t Good for Me

I am the QUEEEN of this.

I’m so used to ignoring and pretending any pain I feel doesn’t exist. Although, I’ve become so good at pretending to feel NAAADA for years, what I can’t ignore is the restrictions caused by joint pain, migraines and daily headaches, constant exhaustion/fatigue, (serious) neck ache and stiffness, muscle stiffness, lack of balance, and of course–anxiety and panic attacks that’s caused by this or other way around.. I don’t know but it’s annoying.

I’m in an endless loop.

There won’t ever be a exact reason because I’ve left it ignored for too long. Now I don’t think I could pinpoint or the doctors can find where it all started to help. All they have and I have.. is this huge list of symptoms.

I regret hiding and forcing it for so long

Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Forcing Wellness Wasn’t Good for Me”

Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: The Growing Agoraphobia

Before all of this…

the symptoms, the diagnosis, the attacks…

I was quire normal… just shy and maybe a touch of paranoia. I loved exploring. Though I lacked the funds to do so but it used to never stopped me. I’d call up a friend and we just go take a walk and talk. Days I do have the money to.. I went to cafes alone or bookstores because they are heaven to me. I just read or wrote in my journal whilst drinking a nice sweet drink as an incentive. But I admit most times, it was the reason why I went out and I’d award myself with another before I leave.

Most days now…

I sstill go out…ish… at least for sure with company.

However..in going alone..it’s a problem. I mean I still go out and my reasoning or reward was to get that Starbucks or a whatever I’m deathly craving that’s near by.

But as much as I hate it, I hate going out alone now. But even with someone/support… I’m happy to be with them, but depending where we go..I loathe it. My reason?.. People. Crowds. I get panic or anxiety attacks now when I am in large crowds. Especially passing people, I get into a fight or flight mode which I sadly can’t control. And so, I think because of that, it is my reason why my agoraphobia got worse.

I FEAR getting an attack outside. My attacks are physical. I would have symptoms of queasiness and nearly passing out. Alhough, my body may be reacting like this, my brain would be like saying “Don’t look at me~ I didn’t say anything this time.. I just wanted to __  with you”.  So yeah.. it’s really messed up and weird. I’d feel fine, excited to explore and go wherever I was supposed to; but then all of a sudden, hello sickness. And I’d have to rush home or I vomit and lose feelings in my legs and sight.

It’s hard because, I’d love to go see my psychiatrist or my specialist for my migraines but it’s hard because a lot of times, I’d cancel last minute because my uneasy feeling(anxieties) and fear of it starting again comes again. The anxieties would start from three or two days before I start freaking out..officially. And worse thing is, when I go… I would be a clusterfuck..(pardon my language) because I’d be forgetting my route though I been going to this hospital for months now and when I’m there I’d be only thinking about being away from crowds/people and so whatever relevant questions that is asked to me or that I wanted to ask… and that’s important in why I’m there is just..forgotten. I can’t answer it nor can I ask to tell any concerns or how I’ve been feeling.

Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: The Growing Agoraphobia”

Katana Thoughts: You’re going to lose a lot of Loved Ones

I feel helpless. Everyone around me turns into a caregiver which they did not sign up for. They care but eventually the flare-ups or attacks to them to me them starts to seem like excuses. But they try..they stay. If couple of outings, makes you sick…they stay in for you when they wanted to go out.

Eventually arguments and silence happens.

You will hear…

  • You’re always sick.
  • You should exercise. Eat _____.
  • You have to push yourself!

and the most painful ones…

  • I have hopes and dreams too.
  • I don’t want to be like this… Want to live. make me wonder about the future.

and those last two will always be said by your partner. And you will break.

Continue reading “Katana Thoughts: You’re going to lose a lot of Loved Ones”