The Trauma now runs through my blood. Every day of my life. I remember the pain. I remember things I shouldn’t. I fall numb, scared, and rare times where I can break into tears when I remember. Worse of all, I still love them. I still think they didn’t mean their abusive ways. I still think that they had good intentions.
Meanwhile what they did, said otherwise. Their words said otherwise. It was not kind nor it meant to be. It was meant to belittle me for their superior complex, it was meant to damage. Meant to burn. It was meant to destroy. It was a blunt action to tell me that, I am nothing to them. I am not on the same level, I’m not dear to them, I’m not anything but a great toy. And sadly, I remember as they were… who I thought they were.. and I love that memory. I hate that. I feel stupid. I feel like I still need to recover. I’m still in grief.
I forgave them. I thought that the fact that I forgive them, it means I’ve moved on. Although I am disappointed for what they did, I won’t forget it; and I will be cautious of the future and I don’t ever want to be in that environment ever again. I don’t ever want to be like them. However due to how I grew up and what I believe in the end.. these people have great relations to me so I will still give my respects but I won’t stand in that spot ever again.
But I’m wrong about what and who I’m forgiving by all these horrible flashbacks.
I’m forgiving the illusions. I’m forgiving who I thought they were. I’m forgiving the fake. I’m forgiving the fake persona they put upon themselves all these years. But now I know. I know too much. Though I wish I didn’t….. And I don’t think I’m over it if I keep remembering and this different… Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: The Big, Unforgettable “T””
4 & a half weeks later upon intake of Effexor
As much as I love having my emotions back, I’m not sure how I feel about the dull headaches. It’s so strange or perhaps it’s been long since my last but it feels uncomfortable and distracting. Luckily the pain level is about 4 most of the time but not sure, how to feel about it. It’s like a tension headache and cluster headache together. I’m just happy there’s no nausea/vomiting, not much sensory overload; just slight sensitivity to light and sound but it’s manageable. This whole pain feels close to a migraine but I’m not sure as it comes and goes to the point where I have at least an hour or half hour of feeling completely fun to finish my tasks but it’s a full day of this dull ache or fatigue. Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Effexor is working… but hello again pain”
(Update of the last blog posted on April 12, 2017)
Topics: New meds & Update on my wellbeing..
Since my last post, I’ve been… better Emotionally. Psychologically…i dunno. Physically.. ok… I will get on it more below. (If you want to skip this lil intro and get onto my experience with Effexor and Zoloft.. Scroll down to after the brief sum/description of SSRIs & SSNRIs.)
My psychiatrist thinks is that I ended up getting a serotonin imbalance from too much Sertraline/Zoloft. So with that imbalance, I’ve been feeling numb(??) and dissociating a lot. I mean I did feel guilt for not experiencing migraines or headaches and felt empty because of them but I wasn’t feeling much at all. I guess this is what people meant by getting numb by antidepressants… but that just mean it’s not the right dosage or meds for you. So stop that stigma that this meds are crazy meds….
But as a reminder for those just reading my blog, I take serotonin-based antidepressants for my chronic migraines and the stress related to it. But while getting treated, I was diagnosed with little General Anxiety Disorder, big Social Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder. Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Switching from Sertraline with Effexor!?”
Here’s a 2 topic in one blog
Lately, I think my migraines has gone down. It’s episodic than chronic or daily.
It’s perhaps just once in a week that I get one. And as for headaches.. instead of everyday it’s… 5 or 6 out of 7 days that I get it….. Which…is still bad..or sounds bad still..but not as bad as before because its like a pain level of 1-3 when it used to be purely 5s.
YES INDEEDY~ My pain scale is weird. I made two separate ones lol one for headache and one for migraine. because my migraines has a life of it’s own.
Perhaps that pure decaf only and less juice/more water thing I got going on… or the fact that I’ve only had caffeine(tea or lattes) only 4 times this whole 4 months!! *pat my own back like a loser* I did it. And got to thank my partner. Decaf isn’t bad. It tastes exactly the same as normal coffee.. DOIII~
But yes… this.. hardly noticeable or “disappearing” *knock on wood* pain…
I hardly feel the throbbing anymore
I wish I could or would be ecstatic at that but instead it makes me worry that I won’t see my Migraine specialist or Psychiatrist anymore. Or just come back to that department.
Is it weird that I feel guilty for not having a migraine? Is it weird that I feel dead without pain throbbing inside my brain and skull? Or is it weirder the fact that being pain-free and clear of the slightest headache is really a strange sensation to me?
Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Goodbye Chronic Migraine?? + Daily Anxiety with Panic included”
I am the QUEEEN of this.
I’m so used to ignoring and pretending any pain I feel doesn’t exist. Although, I’ve become so good at pretending to feel NAAADA for years, what I can’t ignore is the restrictions caused by joint pain, migraines and daily headaches, constant exhaustion/fatigue, (serious) neck ache and stiffness, muscle stiffness, lack of balance, and of course–anxiety and panic attacks that’s caused by this or other way around.. I don’t know but it’s annoying.
I’m in an endless loop.
There won’t ever be a exact reason because I’ve left it ignored for too long. Now I don’t think I could pinpoint or the doctors can find where it all started to help. All they have and I have.. is this huge list of symptoms.
I regret hiding and forcing it for so long
Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Forcing Wellness Wasn’t Good for Me”
It’s now about you!!
It is one of the hardest things to talk about. The hardest to even think about. The hardest to forget. I am shaking as I write this.
My only wish is to forget all of it.
Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: Trauma (from you)”
Before all of this…
the symptoms, the diagnosis, the attacks…
I was quire normal… just shy and maybe a touch of paranoia. I loved exploring. Though I lacked the funds to do so but it used to never stopped me. I’d call up a friend and we just go take a walk and talk. Days I do have the money to.. I went to cafes alone or bookstores because they are heaven to me. I just read or wrote in my journal whilst drinking a nice sweet drink as an incentive. But I admit most times, it was the reason why I went out and I’d award myself with another before I leave.
Most days now…
I sstill go out…ish… at least for sure with company.
However..in going alone..it’s a problem. I mean I still go out and my reasoning or reward was to get that Starbucks or a whatever I’m deathly craving that’s near by.
But as much as I hate it, I hate going out alone now. But even with someone/support… I’m happy to be with them, but depending where we go..I loathe it. My reason?.. People. Crowds. I get panic or anxiety attacks now when I am in large crowds. Especially passing people, I get into a fight or flight mode which I sadly can’t control. And so, I think because of that, it is my reason why my agoraphobia got worse.
I FEAR getting an attack outside. My attacks are physical. I would have symptoms of queasiness and nearly passing out. Alhough, my body may be reacting like this, my brain would be like saying “Don’t look at me~ I didn’t say anything this time.. I just wanted to __ with you”. So yeah.. it’s really messed up and weird. I’d feel fine, excited to explore and go wherever I was supposed to; but then all of a sudden, hello sickness. And I’d have to rush home or I vomit and lose feelings in my legs and sight.
It’s hard because, I’d love to go see my psychiatrist or my specialist for my migraines but it’s hard because a lot of times, I’d cancel last minute because my uneasy feeling(anxieties) and fear of it starting again comes again. The anxieties would start from three or two days before I start freaking out..officially. And worse thing is, when I go… I would be a clusterfuck..(pardon my language) because I’d be forgetting my route though I been going to this hospital for months now and when I’m there I’d be only thinking about being away from crowds/people and so whatever relevant questions that is asked to me or that I wanted to ask… and that’s important in why I’m there is just..forgotten. I can’t answer it nor can I ask to tell any concerns or how I’ve been feeling.
Continue reading “Living with Chronic Pain & Mental Illness: The Growing Agoraphobia”