The Trauma now runs through my blood. Every day of my life. I remember the pain. I remember things I shouldn’t. I fall numb, scared, and rare times where I can break into tears when I remember. Worse of all, I still love them. I still think they didn’t mean their abusive ways. I still think that they had good intentions.
Meanwhile what they did, said otherwise. Their words said otherwise. It was not kind nor it meant to be. It was meant to belittle me for their superior complex, it was meant to damage. Meant to burn. It was meant to destroy. It was a blunt action to tell me that, I am nothing to them. I am not on the same level, I’m not dear to them, I’m not anything but a great toy. And sadly, I remember as they were… who I thought they were.. and I love that memory. I hate that. I feel stupid. I feel like I still need to recover. I’m still in grief.
I forgave them. I thought that the fact that I forgive them, it means I’ve moved on. Although I am disappointed for what they did, I won’t forget it; and I will be cautious of the future and I don’t ever want to be in that environment ever again. I don’t ever want to be like them. However due to how I grew up and what I believe in the end.. these people have great relations to me so I will still give my respects but I won’t stand in that spot ever again.
But I’m wrong about what and who I’m forgiving by all these horrible flashbacks.
I’m forgiving the illusions. I’m forgiving who I thought they were. I’m forgiving the fake. I’m forgiving the fake persona they put upon themselves all these years. But now I know. I know too much. Though I wish I didn’t….. And I don’t think I’m over it if I keep remembering and this different…
I think I understand my brother and perhaps I’ve became my brother in the past. It took him over 20 years I think to finally open up but he’s struggling now for being reserved and paranoid for all these years. He knew too much especially at young age.
But unlike him, I was able to get help and that’s a start. I don’t like not knowing important things. I don’t like being uncertain. I needed to know…if I was wrong or not most times. If I was, I’d change and repent on that. If not… how unfortunate how it went then. And it was… What’s messed is that, I still feel like it was a week or month ago when it all went down, despite getting help. I am still trying to recover but the trauma. I feel the goosebumps, the fear, the disappointment of not being trusted or not seen as what they are to me…
I’m an outsider to them. Always will.
I want to forgive them so I could move on. I know getting closure will not help because the severity of their ego and actions. I sadly still want their love and forgiveness. But what is there… I had apologized and understand that not telling them things that were crucial to their worrying mom who I didn’t know waited up for me. But.. they invalidated my anxiety and depression, they invaded on my privacy as well, they verbally and emotionally abused me even when I had a break down and went to the hospital. I was so distraught. And it broke me more because I was so alone. I was in the hospital for a month and I never had a visit or had a word of encouragement except from my aunt. my cousin who adored like a brother, had a fit for having to come into the hospital to give me my clothes. He didn’t even look at me in the eyes when he gave it. He just turned away and left. When I had one day to get more things at their house… the one that broke me enough to go there, he scrutinized me and made me talk about my triggers.
I know physically I had moved away. I’m gone from that environment. Doctor recommending blocking him until I’m ready but like I believe. If I must give my respects then do so but I should be away from where they can hurt me. But I admit.. I still fear it all. Any type of contact. I just don’t want to be part of that and they made it clear that I’m not family to them. How they treated me showed that. Knowing how narcissistic they are, it would take something within themselves to see their ways but with great miracle and wishing.
This is the only way, and I’m happier being away. But I didn’t expect recovery would be this hard.
I wish recovery is fast like in a year. But this damage, I hate to admit it… it broke me a lot. I grew up with that belief that family would be there for you and stuff but I want it because they want to; and that’s what’s sad about not just my family but people around me. They do things only based on what society tells them but it doesn’t mean they want to or care.
I didn’t expect myself to experience these things and feelings before and after. I know like a fight, it will take time. I will remember and be hurt but I will forget. But this… I can’t. I snap when people say or do or look like the day of that incident. Because I don’t want to remember so I try to intervene before it’s can but still so hard to. Any moment of silence would be interrupted of that night and the words they’ve said. I tried to ignore it. I tried to forget. ALWAYS. I do believe in thinking positive to move on and also to make it great rather than making it all gloomy.
But despite I try so hard to move on and forget, to keep myself occupied, to make myself laugh again… I feel so depressed still. I feel like I can’t trust anyone like I used to. I feel different. Numb. Angry that all this happened. Angry at myself for being weak. Happy that I’m gone. But…this..is all so shitty. I don’t know how I’m feeling anymore. I don’t know how to describe them. I don’t know if I feel…
I’m so scared of people I love turning out to be so cold. Turning out to never liked me or cared. I’m scared that I’m easy to be forgotten and thrown away. I’m scared that..I’m never ever going to be good enough.
I’m scared that I am the one who will always love and trust more. But I am. I am all this. All this I’m scared of it true. Many I know, would rather choose someone over it and did. But I guess that’s what I deserve for always being too desperate for their company, for wanting to be the person that I wished I had, for pushing them to be that, for expecting that, and most importantly… I’m sorry for pushing you all away when you do.
I guess it’s one of those messed up times where I just don’t know how to react.
Someone’s sincerity to me is very rare and touching because I’ve always expected things and hinted it that they do that. But was it out of their heart… I don’t think so. Because I’m pushy…I’m emotional… I’m selfish in these things and yet I can’t be grateful when I get it because I have to affirm you all meant the kind things.
I grew from it honestly. I don’t expect it. I would love it…. But I don’t want it forced. I will just continue being me but I won’t expect it anymore. I just wish that I could stop pushing others away when I just want closeness/bond/connection. However for sure… in terms of healthiness… I will try not to be overly depended on others. I have a thing where I get some extreme dependency or clinginess… and I don’t want that unhealthy relationships. I guess why I feel such a way is from people leaving me, everyone’s love being temporary. I just don’t want to be temporary anymore. I don’t want my feelings ever to be pushed to one side either.
I hope I am not scared to leave unhealthy relationships and interactions.
And it starts with these people that has been making my anxiety go crazy. From there… I hope recovery is just there for me.
I hope I can be stronger. I can forget. I can be happier with just me.
I hope those that experienced pain from abusers, narcissists, manipulators, and such can recover too. It takes time. But never stop trying. Think of the future. Be away from that. Don’t ever be scared to stand up for yourself even if they leave. If they use that, then it shows.. that they’re never meant to be there. And if they’re not there, there’s a chance to live the life you didn’t get to. There’s a chance of change. Happiness. Recovery. Growth.
I added words of encouragement below from pics on pinterest. I love pinterest…