Here’s a 2 topic in one blog
Lately, I think my migraines has gone down. It’s episodic than chronic or daily.
It’s perhaps just once in a week that I get one. And as for headaches.. instead of everyday it’s… 5 or 6 out of 7 days that I get it….. Which…is still bad..or sounds bad still..but not as bad as before because its like a pain level of 1-3 when it used to be purely 5s.
YES INDEEDY~ My pain scale is weird. I made two separate ones lol one for headache and one for migraine. because my migraines has a life of it’s own.
Perhaps that pure decaf only and less juice/more water thing I got going on… or the fact that I’ve only had caffeine(tea or lattes) only 4 times this whole 4 months!! *pat my own back like a loser* I did it. And got to thank my partner. Decaf isn’t bad. It tastes exactly the same as normal coffee.. DOIII~
But yes… this.. hardly noticeable or “disappearing” *knock on wood* pain…
I hardly feel the throbbing anymore
I wish I could or would be ecstatic at that but instead it makes me worry that I won’t see my Migraine specialist or Psychiatrist anymore. Or just come back to that department.
Is it weird that I feel guilty for not having a migraine? Is it weird that I feel dead without pain throbbing inside my brain and skull? Or is it weirder the fact that being pain-free and clear of the slightest headache is really a strange sensation to me?
I do, however, been attacked by an overload or anxiety, slight agoraphobia, and some days of super panic. Now instead of feeling migraines or headaches every day, it’s pure traumatizing memories and “what ifs” or wishes that never got to come true because of me…
Also… I lost my job again. I should be unbothered because I was on dishes every time I was there. I couldn’t really “expand”. I didn’t get to try more or really trained. It was said that it was because they wanted to focus on the full-timers and I get that because since it’s a start up, I feel like it’s so disorganized and
we they were totally over-staffed. What bothered me is that they said because I didn’t come on a “training day” WHAT TRAINING DAY?? I WAS ON DISHES & EVERYONE WAS WINGING IT. I stupidly had came to make up the missed day by working an extra 3 hours for free one day. Now I feel… bleh.
But all wells.. I guess. Not a loss, I think.. but money and time.
But enough about pettiness…. I’ve missed 2 days.. of work and could’ve been more if I worked on the weekends… It was so bad I felt like I should go to the hospital but what can they do when it’s just panic?
THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I’m not making excuses. I wishh it isn’t true. But my anxieties… of leaving home.. of people…of interacting with them…of having to speak up… of uncertainty of events… it’s turning to full out panic. I can’t even walk normal or stand. I won’t even have balance. In fact… around people I lose it. Things around me go wavy. I feel like a balloon. I feel cold. But the way I’m stiffening up from falling or shaking… I save myself I think from falling over or trembling. But I get even more fidgety and with a touch of twitchy.
This whole thing… got me feeling like I’m gone. I’m far from recovery. Or I mean…now I’m healed from trauma… but I’m left with side effects. Many….and plus unanswered stuff still…
The side effects is the Panic I get from the fear of people
and probably leaving my safe area aka home where I know there is no judgement and uncertainty.
Every time I leave or know I have to… for example.. I got an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I need a week to pump myself up to go. I’m that scared… or anxious. Weird thing is… I don’t really know why. I mean.. mentally I feel prepared. I know what would happen is what always be… It’s normal. Just smile and go on. No one is judging me specifically. No one is looking at me specifically… I’m not that special lol
But ye… despite that… my body is going all sorts of crazy. I be twitchy. Chilly. Feel my heart pounding hard. I’d feel that pressure. The weakness. It’s stupid.
After this appointment, for the much mental preparations and physical restraint… I know… it shall mean a day or two of rest. I got to wonder if that’s normal for those with anxiety disorder. I get so exhausted. Like truly. I feel embarrassed. I don’t want to be. I could push myself not to nap after or do more, but I would even more be at a loss and would rest longer. I would trigger migraines, dizziness, etc while being in a foggy and weak state. Sadly I push myself all the time, that now, I feel so bleh. I want to do better for those I love. But I got to be honest. I feel myself getting broken more.
I wish for people I love to understand… that I don’t know what the fuck is happening too. My moods’ in an out. My body fucks up regardless of change. It could be the slightest thing to set my body and mind off. I can control the thoughts but the physical is on the subconscious… I think…because believe me.. I try. I ignore it. I pretend it isn’t bad. I remember that it’s bullshit. I remember and believe the positive outcomes if I get onto opportunities… but my body be like… STAB STAB STAB!!
I honestly did what I could and got help. I have help from the tough love from my love, I got my psychiatrist to talk to. I got my migraine specialist for… migraines and headaches. but to be honest… i don’t feel like my professionals can do more.. I feel like I need more. I know this is bad… and I shall have relapse for doing this but I’ve been missing some days of my meds aka anti-depressants. But not just that, but I kind of lowered the dose…ok I lowered the dose… But from 150mg, I went down back to 100mg on Sertraline. I feel like it and the environment has great part of my mood changes and minimized headaches and migraines.
Although.. the migraines and headaches minimized greatly. So it had been awkward with my specialist because I don’t know what to even say to her anymore. I just don’t know what she can help me with as I’ve mostly been feeling all sorts of body pain than headache/migraines now. I love that she’s kind and pays attention to what my budget is…knows I’m in trouble financially so she recommends cheaper treatments or aka generic versions of meds. Even so, we had tried Naproxins and Triphans on my migraine but I end up feeling worse or the same. So far… I’m thinking I really have the lack of serotonin as Sertraline has been working a great deal for my headaches and migraines despite it’s mainly an anti-depressant. I just wish she lay out all my treatment options for me to know besides the affordable… so I know I got more options available if none works and that I could be at ease that.. I’m not doomed to feel the onset migraines and have nothing to ease the pain. Because she doesn’t lay it out or because I feel like she’s holding out on me, I don’t know what to say. Perhaps as she said… I’m looking for an holistic approach now. Perhaps.. I definitely need to have a doctor that deals(&helps) with patients that has chronic pain and illnesses than a regular one.
I really wish for more.
My physical symptoms remains… bleh. Posture or not. It’s a loop. Pain & stiffness in back.. causes me to curl and that causes pain and stiffness. I really wish for a treatment, mainly chiro or a massage covered by ohip (Ontario health insurance). What’s annoying is the tender spots… like my ribs, sides of legs, certain parts on shoulder and my neck… oh and the great sensitivity to heat or coldness on my calves! ARGGGGGH! I hate my restless leg syndrome. I can’t even touch it myself or I get it agitated. Right now… my bf is my “cracking doctor.” He lifts me via hug and hop; and then my back cracks. MY LORDYYY! it feels amazing. If only he can do it more… wish he can crack my neck without paralyzing me or killing me but… I shhall trust that to a licensed chiropractor lol
Anyways….back to topic….My physical pain… sounds like everyone gets it. Nothing extreme. Common. Probably. But for me… it’s a distraction. I can’t sleep properly. I be wincing some nights. In huge discomfort with my calves always because of the throbbing against the heat or cold. My bones be making music always… the band is called Numb-y Rice Krispy Joints…. it’s canadian lol jkjk
But along with the cracking joints.. numbness is normal. And trust me…i stretch lots of clearly… it ain’t shit. I try to exercise but I end up pulling my hip and elbows. Shoot…I can pull my elbow or joints by opening a water bottle or by waking up lol I just feel incapable of going hard… and guess it’s ok because there’s yoga or zumba.
But hey… even though I can share so easily on the internet… I feel like I am actually a closed book…. when I have the chance to see a doc… I close up. I feel like from their vibe… I already feel like they can’t help me like this.
Opening up is a problem with my Psychiatrist is probably a big issue lately…
With her… her style is just listening. I need more. I need a therapist or psychiatrist to be straight up with my issues.. while having a respectful boundary. Like tell me I’m in denial. Tell me I don’t need to be afraid. Give me some affirmations. Give me suggestions.
I don’t know… I feel like I’m past sharing. I need something to try. Something new. Exercises…. Perhaps a psychotherapy approach. My mood has gotten better. I don’t feel as depressed. But I feel fear. I feel the lost of control. I am unhealthy with always… needing affirmations of being ok or loved. I love myself. I do. But I lack…self control and be full of doubt in my actions. I am impulsive as well. I don’t know. I need something hands on. New therapy stuff to open me up rather than live fearful. And perhaps be able to be financially independent…and keep a damn job.
I’m glad though… my specialist told me she’ll refer me to a holistic doctor who will help with chronic pain, check ups, and also psychotherapy. I’m glad to find out that it’s covered by my health insurance.
I must wonder though… if all will be ok… My panic attacks are constant. Going out is harder. At least, there’s no more nearly fainting but I am not… physically safe outside… I feel like the shaking and weakness…the loss of balance scary.
I feel like I must suck it up… perhaps… see a case worker.. appeal… apply to disability. Because I can’t even maintain a job without panicking. I almost passed out on the job actually. I panicked over extra dirty dishes to wash!
I feel so weak and useless. This was not the life I wanted. I want to do more. Not just for myself. But For the future. Before my boyfriend who may be reading this says, that I should be doing this (focus on healing/recovering for me), well I know.. you affect my future. I’d like to think you are in it. And even so…for those I love, I want to live a life happy with you. I want to provide too. I want to put equivalent effort at least.
I honestly…know the economic problems of living where we are. Whether I have a man in my life or not in the future… I’d love to be a mom of puppies or human babies… I’d love to just afford beautiful things. I love to own my own company. I’d love to live life with certainty.