I am the QUEEEN of this.
I’m so used to ignoring and pretending any pain I feel doesn’t exist. Although, I’ve become so good at pretending to feel NAAADA for years, what I can’t ignore is the restrictions caused by joint pain, migraines and daily headaches, constant exhaustion/fatigue, (serious) neck ache and stiffness, muscle stiffness, lack of balance, and of course–anxiety and panic attacks that’s caused by this or other way around.. I don’t know but it’s annoying.
I’m in an endless loop.
There won’t ever be a exact reason because I’ve left it ignored for too long. Now I don’t think I could pinpoint or the doctors can find where it all started to help. All they have and I have.. is this huge list of symptoms.
I regret hiding and forcing it for so long
. In those time, I did do temporary solutions. I did often do stretches as well as daily walks. I did keep some sort of activity as it happened young. And I worked at fast food so I did lots of things that could consider exercise. because jokes aside.. I felt the burnnn after a shift.
But soon after as I grew up. Pain intensified. I ignored it more.. even after end up being immune to tylenol and advil. Now it got to living tired, forever aching, and living a hangover every day of my life. I feel like a 90 year old than my age since the age of 15. It’s a constant cycle of waking up broken, sore, tired, and all these pounding pressure in my brain despite sleeping at good 8 hours. While Midday or by Evening, despite fighting through it and acting energetic as fuck, by this time, I would feel exhausted mentally and physically from acting aka ignoring all the pain for not just me but people around me. as I do not like being a burden or a party pooper. And by night, I would be visited by alertness, panic and anxiety attacks, throbbing calves and joints, and the oh so lovely neck ache.
What bothers me so much and what end up being on my mind for life, is the fact that from ignoring my pain for so many years for the sake of Strength, Endurance, & Mainly Not be a Burden or to Seem like a Drama Queen….Is now it has affected my whole life and well-being. I can’t pinpoint ever of what or where the pain started. I can’t feel where the main pain area is because it feels like its my whole body! I know it’s not likely…not possible… But it freaking hurts. Until I get touched or massaged there, I would or may feel that true tender spot.
Ignoring the PAIN for years has no caused me the minor(but actually big) symptoms to be suppressed to the point of turning into a giant bomb of chaos.
I now have symptoms that I feel that’s not connected to the migraines and sadly I cannot describe what it is that I feel or point where I feel the pain due to pretending for years with much training and perseverance that I feel nothing. But I do… sadly I put it to aside thinking it’s a symptom caused by the migraine or headache. But now that the pain has gotten aggravated to the point of crippling pain, being bed bound constantly in fetal position from the pain, wishing for the end, and being scared of being outside for when I get panic attacks or anixety attacks… I’m scared of losing consciousness and the nausea/vomiting in public. It’s dangerous.
But now… I am 25. I’ve ignored it, fought through it, and “lived” through it. It will be hard to undo what I’ve trained myself to do since I’ve been 15 or so. It’ll be a challenge. But in the end… my well-beling… my health… is now bad and incomprehensible to doctors because symptoms are everywhere. Pain here and there. My minds blocked because I try to pay no mind to pain but maybe I turned off too much so I can’t even help the doctors much in pointing where or what pain I’m most bothered by.
Now I’m just crippled in the way being able to function but not being able to function. And it has affected my life so much. It upsets me. I know I’m capable. But maybe not. I’m stubborn. I want to try no matter what but the pain or panic/anxieties could be so intense that I can’t be at my full or even half strength. Now I’m stuck with.. I should ask the government for assistance. But from acting strong last time.. not telling the full truth of how I feel.. my psychiatrist before believes I’m good..without. But now.. I must appeal as it is way worse than ever. I don’t recognize myself. I can’t leave my home without assistance and pain.