It’s now about you!!
It is one of the hardest things to talk about. The hardest to even think about. The hardest to forget. I am shaking as I write this.
My only wish is to forget all of it.
There are other kinds of Trauma besides PTSD which is…as a reminder…
post-traumatic stress disorder, is an anxiety problem that develops in some people after extremely traumatic events, such as combat, crime, an accident or natural disaster.
People with PTSD may relive the event via intrusive memories, flashbacks and nightmares; avoid anything that reminds them of the trauma; and have anxious feelings they didn’t have before that are so intense their lives are disrupted.
and the others other than PTSD are Psychological & Emotional Trauma…
Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. (Source)
Psychological trauma is a type of damage to the mind that occurs as a result of a severely distressing event.
(Trauma is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one’s ability to cope, or integrate the emotions involved with that experience.) (Source)
What I’ve learnt about the trauma is that women are likely to develop longer PTSD symptoms and they show more sensitivity to stimuli that remind them of the trauma. if left untreated, it could cause huge mental health implications, but also can lead to physical effects on health; such as, headaches, gastro-intestinal problems, and sexual dysfunction.
Upon this, I’ve learnt that these trauma including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder could be caused by long time childhood abuse, bullying, manipulation; just from tremendous distressing events.
However, before one looks at the checklist from the internet. Please be aware!
Trauma differs between individuals, according to their subjective experiences. People will react to similar events differently.
As in…not all people who experience that traumatic event will actually become psychologically traumatized due to their way of coping with trauma. Some examples of this, is some has or hadn’t had mild exposure to stress early in life, because they had actively asked for help early, etc. In other words,
The severity of these symptoms depends on the person, the type of trauma involved, and the emotional support they receive from others. Reactions to and symptoms of trauma can be wide and varied, and differ in severity from person to person. A traumatized individual may experience one or several of them
Sometimes certain symptoms and problems can appear afterwards The severity of these symptoms depends on the person, the type of trauma involved, and the emotional support they receive from others. It must be known that the reactions to and symptoms of trauma can be wide and varied, and differ in severity from person to person. A traumatized individual may experience one or several of them. It can’t be all defined on the internet. or WebMD.
&&…As mentioned about Mental Health Disorders. The mental health disorders implicated by the Trauma can be…as lisited….
In time, the emotional exhaustion may set in, leading to distraction, and clear thinking may be difficult or impossible. Detachment, as well as dissociation (spells)/numbing out, can frequently occur. Dissociating from the painful emotion includes numbing all emotion, and the person may seem emotionally flat, preoccupied, distant, or cold. Dissociation includes depersonalisation disorder, dissociative amnesia, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, etc.
Some traumatized people may feel permanently damaged when trauma symptoms do not go away and they do not believe their situation will improve. This can lead to feelings of despair, transient paranoid ideation, loss of self-esteem, profound emptiness, suicidality, and frequently depression. If important aspects of the person’s self and world understanding have been violated, the person may call their own identity into question. Often despite their best efforts, traumatized parents may have difficulty assisting their child with emotion regulation, attribution of meaning, and containment of post-traumatic fear in the wake of the child’s traumatization, leading to adverse consequences for the child.
Living with Trauma…
in my Experience,
It’s hard because I don’t really know my triggers. And to people I know.. don’t ask. Because you’re making me think of what makes me feel horrible. You’re not only forcing me to name my trauma but also to “validate it.”
What I know is that the triggers can be the littlest thing. It could be so broad! Like if someone just say a phase, made a certain face, or a part that has been said to me before.. and it brings all the feelings and panic back.
I knew I get anxiety and some sort of avoidance disorder… because I anticipate people and myself to make the same or similar mistake. I don’t want to experience it. I dread it. If I must… than I will suffer through it and try to cheer myself up to the end. But I never knew I had a panic disorder. It was until last year or two that I’ve been showing signs of nearly fainting and massive migraine triggered by stress. I just hate it. I’m naturally anxious so I’m trying to get through that and when I’m getting anxiety anxiety or maybe it’s a mini panic.. but it sucks. I hate the constant crippling pain, fighting it, pretending its all good, the nausea, the dizziness. It gets to the point of being pure exhausted. Emotionally. Psychologically. PHYSICALLY!
It gets to a point where I don’t even want to deal with people because of the lack of understanding. Despite most of these people, are in the medical field. But that doesn’t guarantee empathy or compassion. It gets… embarrassing and frustrating because even if I explain they say…
- think of something else
- Ignore it
- You’re only making it hurt more because you’re thinking about it
- Take an advil
- It’s because you need water/food/sleep(lacked it)
Or the best.. shrug or weird face like I told them too much because I made them uncomfortable…
From all that… all I face is so much exhaustion and hesitance to share. So I isolated myself lots so I developed new disorders/symptoms every year or my pain has increased. It’s frustrating. Going out or certain social events would always make me freak out followed by huge guilt and having to leave early because of dizziness or nausea.
The trauma still upsets me. I would easily shut down from low self esteem, triggers, and just the thought of it. I hate it most when people who doesn’t know me at all, act like they do and say that they wish I was the person before, that I’m not who I used to be, and that they don’t recognize me….. I know I’m different. I hardly recognize myself. But You don’t know me other than the fake me. You knew me the time when I tried to be strong, be silly to forget, and for you to not ask and yet give me a disappointed face.
It hurts being alone. It hurts when people do not understand. It hurts when they act like they know you more than you… or worse… they act like they know what you have more than you.
Every day, it’s just getting worse. With recent events… I’m scared. I’m petrified of “family” because those I’m related to.. had a huge part in my trauma. I was often put on the spot. Compared. Reminded of why I’m shit, worthless, and ugly. And when I did something that was worthwhile… that made me happy.. that made me talent… they didn’t stop me or ignore me.. it was rather.. why do you try? and added with “I/_(Someone)_ can do better”.
Instead of going stronger and harder on my accomplishments or talents, I wish it made me go the other way and keep striving to go to the top and focus on getting out of my environment… I gave up on the way. Because I was really only half good and still lacking despite how hard I tried. What’s funny is I tried and worked so hard.. not for others but me. I was and AM still my hardest critic.
I used to make any excuse as I could to escape home or some social events. I resorted to sleep…to avoid reality. And sadly now it got to Sleep being the only cure to painful migraines or serious attacks. All because of my stupid mistake. I believe that I trained myself in some ways… all that built up anger and distress that now… I make myself nearly faint. I get so dizzy in high stress or when I’m triggered before anything happened.
In some ways… I know my family had lots to do with it. But I’m disappointed that I couldn’t shake it off… like so what if they don’t understand. Why did I have to answer?
I just don’t know but I hate it. What I’ve learnt in my family… Aggression is always first. Older people is always right. Insults and neglect is just a way of love. Grow thick skin if you’re butthurt. Sadness is weakness. Mental health or disorders means crrrrazayyy. Everything is about reputation. Can’t point out their faults, wrong-doings or anything that will effect it negatively or you will get the biggest attack on earth crossing the line of disrespect and beyond about everything wrong with you. Also automatic reasoning of care is being the family(blood) rule but they’re disapproval and disgust is there always. They don’t hide that they don’t want to help or want your presence. But of course, you can’t point it out though.
That stress and that whole list there… breaks me. My innocence is stubborn and still there… I still can’t and won’t believe what shit they did to me. I still have that view of them of when I was much younger.. being so loving and being my babysitters. Now growing up… it explain so much. The tensity between members. I even faced bullshit and attacks and they acted like the victims. What I hate was people who passed by pretended not to hear anything. They may know it was wrong but they didn’t want to bother or claim it’s because the other is older so they can’t. The whole incident scarred me. Added a new trauma to the list. I actually ended up in the hospital because I felt so unsafe at home/the home i was at. I didn’t get visited by them. When I came back for a day.. I mentioned casually and they literally said “HELLL NOO”.
But enough about that… one thing for sure… I need to detach myself from that. I want to let go. Be strong. Live… they may be related but they are unfortunately toxic to me. I can’t be around them long. There’s just always aggression.
The exhaustion is there permanently. I just want to be heal.