Katana Thoughts: You’re going to lose a lot of Loved Ones

I feel helpless. Everyone around me turns into a caregiver which they did not sign up for. They care but eventually the flare-ups or attacks to them to me them starts to seem like excuses. But they try..they stay. If couple of outings, makes you sick…they stay in for you when they wanted to go out.

Eventually arguments and silence happens.

You will hear…

  • You’re always sick.
  • You should exercise. Eat _____.
  • You have to push yourself!

and the most painful ones…

  • I have hopes and dreams too.
  • I don’t want to be like this… Want to live. make me wonder about the future.

and those last two will always be said by your partner. And you will break.

I never want to hold anyone back. I don’t want arguments. I hope they never get sick of me. I wish I never give in thinking that they won’t get annoyed of me because they will. I want to live too. I want to go on exciting adventures. I want to work and earn my money.

But I know I can’t be 100% doing it… though I want to. The pain gets severe when I push it. Sometimes I be enjoying what I do and then the dizziness and migraines kick in..and then the anxieties because I’m scared to faint right there and then.

What I hate.. the government can’t really help me. I don’t cover for disability. Though at least they can cover drug plans. But they’d still require me to work…what they choose if I ask for help.

I know I can only work part-time for now and hopefully, with slow pushing… full time and maybe then I be good from anxieties and my panic disorders. But it won’t be enough money. I just want to put work into my relationships. Gift them. Help them. & Share expenses to be fair.

My partners in my relationships to be honest… was always amazing and put me in awe in the beginning. Promise made. I always warned them beforehand of my illnesses. They said they understood. They loved me anyways. Reminded me that. They took care of me when I was hurting. At least my latest one…

I am in love. I opened  up after heartbreaks from my own family turning their back on me..because of this illnesses and stigmas they have. And now… I see in his eyes like all the others… and we had a talk about dreams. His worries…for the future. It’s totally understandable. He went through depression, lost everything, had to scavenge and save his money for food, and he earned his money back; which he hoped to buy his house in 5 years, visit his grandma in his country, experience things on his bucket list…

I took it all away. I am a dream destroyer.

I love him truly….I’m not saying this because of my past heartbreaks but… He is the one that I see myself with no other but him…and I don’t have energy for anymore heartbreaks and abandonment. It’s truly a indescribable thing to experience when you meet someone you are 100% yourself with.

I pushed myself for myself and him. For sure when you meet someone special…you are so motivated and you believe in yourself again. That’s what I have with him.  And unfortunately, I got new symptoms that holds me back and making it harder… But I’m trying through the pain.

I hate it when it isn’t enough. That you have to resort to crawling and wincing to fight your way. And it is still below 1%. What can you do then? What purpose can one have?

To go through it.. you need as much support as you can. Family… Friends.. if not your partner.

What can I do…without family and friends..? And all I have is him.

My life is so complicated. I’m so tired. I want to live not just survive. I just rather die. I hate that i be in this loveless life. But better this way than to hurt people I care about. I’m already going to die with people annoyed of me and sick of my illnesses excuse. 

But I rather go before the one person I care about looks at me with such annoyance and disappointment like them.

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Author: fromkatanawithlove

I'm a medical mystery, always was....so I'm documenting it😅😅 Honestly..it was really later in life when I discovered all my migraines and sudden weak immune system wasn't from poor eating. It was something I never expected... I was diagnosed with major depression and general and social anxiety. it was all messed up.. I hope those who visit my blog.. feel safe and connected too. I hope you know.. you're not alone. And to those you knows me... this blog is also for you to understand me better.

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