Hello, I’m Kat..I am 25 years old. I am a really giddy/girly girl who gets amazed and inspired by life, kindness, and hope in life and love. I also believe in that whole soulmate thing and that people can change.. and I give second (..and third) chances. I forgive them always even though they don’t deserve to be. But I have this one side that’s all sad and unrecognizable. It scares me. I am completely not myself. I mean, I know my worth, I forever believe in good, hope and love because it’s who I am. However, sometimes or most of the time, I am plagued by crippling pain and anxiety. I would have unexplained, horrible migraines that I would be stuck in bed as long as I got it. Sometimes I’m lucky and cold showers could make take some pain off and I could still be a little productive or able to stand or sit up. But sadly, sometimes I get anxiety attacks where I just go in this state of not wanting to leave and stay in. In all this, I would feel numb, dissociated, exhausted- and I’d be in grief for time or opportunities lost…
It just exhausted me so much of the repeated explanations and the furrowed brows of ignorance or just that look like I’m speaking another language where their eyes look right through me. Though, I don’t blame them much because despite the basics online, there are so much more that goes on in the chronic illnesses/pain, mental health and what works and what doesn’t. I do, however, only blame them when the hilariously, flustering ignorance comes out when they dare to give suggestions/recommendations of what would make me better for my body and it doesn’t matter if I had gave them the whole run-down on my sexay body. I’ve on it for years of constant studying about the shit that took over my life that unfortunately, the docs have no cure for and I’ve been on it for years of the scrutinizing looks of people who doesn’t and won’t understand. I wish they understand that it’s not all relied on medicine, they don’t dope us up, or that these meds has no beneficial treatment to them and are damaging (unless used correctly, of course).
And so.. yea…The reason why I made this blog is because I’m FRUSTRATED and can’t stand the Stigmas of Chronic Illnesses and Mental Health such as Anxiety and Depression. I hope that I could connect with my fellow spoonies and I hope that this blog helps people see that.. there’s more to it that just what online or webMD says.
I just wish people understand that this invincible illness.. is HERE. We FEEL it. I feel it even when I am smiling. I do fight through it always. I don’t want pain and sadness. But it happens…. It’s just frustrating when you want to be productive or had plans… or in the middle of a happy moment with a loved one.. and suddenly this overwhelming sadness, pain, or numbness comes over. It’s just hurtful and even more frustrating when those you care about, does not understand. They think that you’re being dramatic, that you’re lazy, or what gets me, oh so pleased.. when they tell me to “Grow thick skin”, that I’m thinking about it too much, and my favorite… “Take an Advil/Tylenol” with a bonus “it helped me.” Oh buddy.. I had this pain for years, I tried every over-the-counter shit and home remedies on the internet. None worked except sleep…if I could.
Sometimes with all this shit, I wish I could sleep forever but I can’t. I hate that it exists. That I have this pain and sadness. I wish I could experience and provide more for myself to be independent. I wish to be more active every day and be consistent but I can’t. It’s not that I won’t but I really can’t. I cry so much because of it. I don’t wish to be a burden. You don’t have to understand but DO NOT.. invalidate me and my pain. Do not assume.
Pain or not. Sad or not. I am fighting for my happiness and balance in life. I am fighting to be me fully always. I sound morbid by saying this, but in my depressed state or anxiety… there is so much me in there. The unfortunate inner truth comes out. Because I always joke around, I guess… it’s on my part for this but I am capable of being serious. I hate it because I am not that bubbly, happy person or whatever they want… I am not..me. I am tired of hearing that. It makes me wonder if they know me at all…
But you will.